The Panic Attack in Bali that Boomeranged Me Back Home

Reflections on Travel and Self-Care as a Highly Sensitive Person

Visiting Bali had a boomerang effect for me.

I arrived and spent two blissful days alone in a beautiful hotel—lounging by the pool, getting a luxurious massage, walking along the beach, and savoring every bite of delicious food. The following day, the retreat officially began. It was a creative entrepreneurs retreat, but I quickly realized the group energy wasn’t a match for me. The schedule kept changing last minute, and I found myself struggling to find ground.

It became a lesson in choosing the right spaces for my own healing. Without going into detail, the container felt unsafe in ways I wasn’t prepared for, and by the end of the day, I felt overstimulated and overwhelmed.

At the same time, life was tugging at me from home. Someone I love was moving through something tender and difficult, and I could feel the pull to be there.

Then it happened—the biggest panic attack I’ve had in twelve years. It hit me all at once. My body shaking, my heart racing, my breath hard to find. And in that moment, I made an important choice: I chose to care for myself by leaving early.

Since returning home, I’ve been enjoying what feels like the real retreat—a staycation that’s quiet and nurturing, surrounded by those I love. Perhaps it’s what I needed all along.

I’ve also done some deep energy work since returning—releasing the sticky, heavy energy that wasn’t mine to carry. Slowly, I’ve been able to process everything and find my way back to lightness, calm, and clarity.

Bali didn’t go as planned, but it became an initiation of its own. It cracked something open in me. It reminded me of what I teach my clients and friends all the time: that sometimes the breakthrough we’re looking for doesn’t happen on a mountaintop or in a faraway place—it happens when we return home to ourselves.

Sometimes things don’t go as planned, but they unfold exactly how they’re meant to.

In the weeks leading up to the trip, I’d been preparing for transcendence. Journaling on shadow work, meditating, pulling cards, visiting the Akashic Records, envisioning and embodying a new version of myself. Bali kick-started this energetic upgrade in a potent and extremely uncomfortable way. And I’ve since been receiving all of the wisdom of it, from home. The real upgrade was in my decision to honor myself.

I was brave in taking the trip to begin with. I experienced fear, discomfort, homesickness, a lack of safety, and a new awareness around group dynamics. Then courage. Choosing myself. Honoring my needs. Being kind to myself.

I chose myself. I came home. I rested. I supported and was supported by those who truly know me and see me.

And in doing so, I realized: the rebirth I wanted was never out there—it was waiting for me here.

Now I’m in the bounce-back phase. A tender phase of recovery. I’m being even more gentle with myself while I recharge.

Part of this experience feels similar to running the 50K race I did in 2021. I spent over a year training and preparing. I felt so excited and wasn’t quite sure what to expect. All of the runs alone moving to my own pace, enjoying nature away from everyone—they were bliss. I mean, at times they were grueling, but I felt at ease, at home in my body, immensely grateful to connect with the earth. Trail running is empowering and grounding.

Then I got to the race and it was chaotic, filled with nervous energy. Crowded. All those waves of anticipatory anxiety came flooding in. The day of the race, I could hardly eat, and being under-fueled meant I was moving at a much slower pace. I managed to finish the race, but it wasn’t the fun experience I had pictured it being. I returned home feeling accomplished but slightly lost—had I really gotten what I wanted? Was this it? And what was next for me?

What happened next, though, changed my life. On a whim, I ended up driving out to Utah to participate in a marathon for the Conquer 100 event with James Lawrence (Iron Cowboy). He completed 101 triathlons for 101 days straight and invited the community to join in. Anyone who wanted to could show up and do the course alongside him. And because of an injury, he was moving at a slower pace than expected—walking each marathon instead of running.

I ended up walking a marathon with strangers from all over the world. I had a blast. It felt lighthearted, pressure-free, spontaneous, adventurous, and fun. While I was here, I fell in love with the surrounding mountains, the landscape here, the city nestled up against the Wasatch Front. I started dreaming big. I ended up applying for jobs in the Salt Lake valley area, landed an incredible copywriting job that doubled my salary overnight, and moved here to start a new chapter. And a few years later, I met my husband.

What makes me happy thinking about these experiences—the 50k race and this recent trip I took to Bali—is remembering that the moments that feel like letdowns or breakdowns often hold the keys to transformation. The recovery that follows brings me home to myself in a new way.

The upgrade isn’t by finding some “perfect” experience outside myself… it’s in the returning home. The processing. The integration.

Out on that trail, I learned how resilient I am. While alone in that hotel in Bali, hyperventilating and crying and trying to catch my breath, I remembered the most important truth: I can always choose myself. And I have many more tools now than I used to, during other phases of my life when I’ve experienced panic attacks.

I can choose to honor my needs and care for my mental health. I can let go of what others might not understand about me. I can remember not to shame myself for being highly sensitive.

I came out of both experiences wiser, softer, and more connected to myself.

What Bali Taught Me

I learned and was reminded of a few key things:

• It’s important to travel in ways that support me as a highly sensitive person. Getting enough sleep, ensuring that I have the freedom to go to bed when I need to, bringing my earplugs and noise-canceling headphones, taking time away from crowds to re-energize—these are essentials. My non-negotiables. Highly sensitive people don’t need to feel any guilt or shame for needing to travel in different ways than most people.

• Resourcing from within is so important. True nourishment comes from inside my own heart. No coach, group, or container can give me what I’m meant to source from myself.

• My energy field is sacred and I need to protect it fiercely, now more than ever. I keep my aura clear and need to be so discerning about who has access to my energy.

• I have the power to slow down. I’m living this way now and I’m so proud of how far I’ve come in releasing urgency culture and operating in life by my own pace, trusting myself, trusting divine timing.

• A quiet, internal experience from home can be so expansive. I don’t have to chase transcendence or glamour to feel alive. I have everything I need right here.

• More breakthroughs are just around the corner. They always are. And they’ll continue to show up as I choose myself again and again.

Bali gave me what I needed, even if it didn’t look the way I imagined. It reminded me that death always comes before rebirth, and that sometimes the most sacred path forward is the one that leads us back home.

—

Hey, I’m Rachel, a writer, editor, and ghostwriter based in the Mountain West. I help authors move past fear and doubt so they can write the story their soul is asking them to tell. For more information about what I do and how I support clients, visit www.ConfidentAuthors.com.